I had a chat, earlier today, with an unhappy teenager.  I lick my chops at such an opportunity.  I’m hoping that sharing some of what I’ve learned somewhat later (okay a bunch later) in life will give them a chance to really enjoy themselves earlier than I learned to enjoy my life.

She made a kind of a statement I consider self-disabling.  I, of course, set her up with a question.  I just want to have fun too.  The question was (because she seems a bit withdrawn) “What irritates you?”  She fell right into my trap and began telling me things that irritate her.  One was “guys with long hair really irritate me.”

So I asked her where does “irritation” exist?  This throws a lot of people at first.  It is an odd question most have never considered.  It gets confused with where does the “irritant” exist but that is not what I’m after.  After just a bit of prodding she answers “in my brain.”  “That’s right, irritation, anger, frustration and happiness all exist only in our brains, right?”  I get blank looks quite often.

“Do long haired guys have the ability to reach into your brain and flip your “irritated” switch on?” I asked.  “No,” she answered.  “Then why do you say ‘They irritate you’? I pressed further.  More blank looks.

Here is a bad thinking habit I sometimes have and often hear; <someone or something> makes me <feel some emotion>.  Examples;

• She makes me mad
• He annoys me
• Banks frustrate me
• Planning bores me
• Public speaking frightens me

These are all, simply, lies.  Self disabling lies.  Dr. House is right, everyone lies.  The ones we tell ourselves are the worst.

No one and no thing can reach into your head and make you feel anything.  You, consciously or sub-consciously, choose your response to events.

Event + Response = Outcome.

You can’t control events and you can’t control outcomes.  We all need to reduce the amount of time we lie to ourselves and pretend other people and things have the power to choose our responses.

The way to get started is to rewrite your thought habit.  Instead of thinking “That makes me mad” think “I choose to get mad about that”.  This simple rewrite gives you back your power.  It also gives you responsibility, accountability and ownership for your state of mind.  Instead of thinking “he irritates me” think “I choose to get irritated by him”.  You can still choose the same way – just take credit for it.

If you do then you’ll start wondering why you choose to spend so much of your life angry or frustrated or sad or whatever you are choosing.  Then you’ll make changes that will amaze you.

See my previous posts to learn more about changing your thinking habits.

So finally you’ll understand this 2500 year old quote.  Something I choose to be quite amused about.

“There is no way to happiness because happiness is the way.” – Lao Tzu

Your unreasonable friend,

Dennis

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