She made a kind of a statement I consider self-disabling.  I, of course, set her up with a question.  I just want to have fun too.  The question was (because she seems a bit withdrawn) “What irritates you?”  She fell right into my trap and began telling me things that irritate her.  One was “guys with long hair really irritate me.”

So I asked her where does “irritation” exist?  This throws a lot of people at first.  It is an odd question most have never considered.  It gets confused with where does the “irritant” exist but that is not what I’m after.  After just a bit of prodding she answers “in my brain.”  “That’s right, irritation, anger, frustration and happiness all exist only in our brains, right?”  I get blank looks quite often.

“Do long haired guys have the ability to reach into your brain and flip your “irritated” switch on?” I asked.  “No,” she answered.  “Then why do you say ‘They irritate you’? I pressed further.  More blank looks.

Here is a bad thinking habit I sometimes have and often hear; <someone or something> makes me <feel some emotion>.  Examples;

• She makes me mad
• He annoys me
• Banks frustrate me
• Planning bores me
• Public speaking frightens me

These are all, simply, lies.  Self disabling lies.  Dr. House is right, everyone lies.  The ones we tell ourselves are the worst.

No one and no thing can reach into your head and make you feel anything.  You, consciously or sub-consciously, choose your response to events.

Event + Response = Outcome.

You can’t control events and you can’t control outcomes.  We all need to reduce the amount of time we lie to ourselves and pretend other people and things have the power to choose our responses.

The way to get started is to rewrite your thought habit.  Instead of thinking “That makes me mad” think “I choose to get mad about that”.  This simple rewrite gives you back your power.  It also gives you responsibility, accountability and ownership for your state of mind.  Instead of thinking “he irritates me” think “I choose to get irritated by him”.  You can still choose the same way – just take credit for it.

If you do then you’ll start wondering why you choose to spend so much of your life angry or frustrated or sad or whatever you are choosing.  Then you’ll make changes that will amaze you.

See my previous posts to learn more about changing your thinking habits.

So finally you’ll understand this 2500 year old quote.  Something I choose to be quite amused about.

“There is no way to happiness because happiness is the way.” – Lao Tzu

Your unreasonable friend,

Dennis

Are you a business owner or leader that wants better results?  Here is a flyer for my upcoming workshop; GrowthCLUB.

copyright@DennisWillis 2011,2012 Business Coach Ohio

Not being a mind reader I’ve thought and thought about what those words and  tone actually meant.  He said that, because being an unreasonable friend, I was pushing him to change a thinking habit.

The thinking habit he has wanted to change is the one where he criticizes himself very harshly when he doesn’t do something perfectly.  He will even verbalize it as “I’m such an idiot” or “I’m terrible at that” or “I really screwed that up – as usual” or “I’m just not good enough”.

You may recognize that the line “I’ve been trying to change this for 40 years” is yet another self criticism.  I pointed this out and he responded that “NO, it’s just a fact.”

Facts are not really facts.  Einstein taught us that everything is relative.  Post Einstein-ian physics has taught us the universe is a very very weird place where things exist and don’t exist at the same time.  Where we are all, at this very moment, hurtling through space at hundreds of thousands of miles an hour while we think we are sitting still and reading (or writing!).  And we are not even sitting on the chair we that we think, it is a fact, that we are sitting on.  We are actually floating above it upon nuclear forces.  We think it’s a fact that we and the chair are solid things when we and the chair are mostly empty space.   Facts are arguably opinions about which we have feelings.

The common example we all know is; “the glass is half empty” vs. “the glass is half full”.  While both of these statements are logically equivalent they have very different effects on us when we think them.  One has us focusing on what we don’t have and one on what we do have.  One has us feeling sad about what we don’t have and one has us feeling grateful about what we do have.  There are deeper levels than this but consider how you want to feel.

Just recently a very talented, successful and well loved singer drank herself to death.  You may know who I mean.  If not, I’m sure you can think of a similar case.  I’m guessing she chose to think in a way that left her feeling angry, frustrated and sad.  I’m guessing she drank to numb the ensuing pain.   Choosing to think this way seems to know no boundaries, economic or otherwise.

Thinking habits do not change easily.  Habits are well trained neural networks that are part of our sub-conscious mind.  Consciously realizing we have a habit we wish to change does not make the neural network go away.  It is a thinking muscle, if you will, that must be consciously retrained until we have the habit that we want.  This process takes time and discipline.  You have to “hear” in your mind the response generated by your sub-conscious and then consciously replace it with the thought-response you want.  Saying it out loud – thereby getting in one repetition of the new habit will reinforce the new sub-c0nscious thought-response you are trying to create – helping make it a habit.

This can be slow and detailed work.  My favorite phrase here is “slow down to speed up.”  The more you slow down and catch your thinking and change it the faster the replacement becomes habit.  Most of us think because we’ve learned something or become consciously aware of a bad habit we will change it immediately. Then when the same bad habit shows up a few moments or days later we get frustrated that what we learned didn’t stick.  Then we criticize ourselves and, often, give up.  Because we didn’t learn it the first time we stoop to bad mouthing ourselves and quitting.

So the most important word is forgive.  We simply must understand and forgive ourselves.  Understanding the nature of changing a habit helps us not have unrealistic expectations of ourselves.  Forgiving ourselves for continuing a behavior we know we don’t want gives us the permission and encouragement to keep working at changing it. 

NASA learned it takes about 30 days of continuous reinforcement to rewrite a strong neural network.  With intermittent reinforcement it takes longer.  Forgiving yourself and consciously rewriting the thought until you have the new habit simply takes as long as it takes.  Getting mad at yourself and beating yourself up – just kills you.  Forgiving yourself and not rewriting the thought is another way of dying.  You have to to both, forgive yourself and make the conscious effort to rewrite the thought.

If you are not growing you are dying.  Create the lifelong habit of growing your thinking and all the moments of your life become opportunities to become a stronger you.

To my friend – you should think “I am so happy to learn, now, how to make changes I have wanted to make for 40 years.”  Forgive yourself for not getting it perfectly right every time and keep making the effort.  It is the effort that makes you strong.

Your unreasonable friend,

Dennis

Are you a business owner or leader that wants better results?  Here is a flyer for my upcoming workshop; GrowthCLUB.

copyright@DennisWillis 2011,2012 Business Coach Ohio

Here are examples of how most of us think.

Failure Mode 1

• ‘I don’t have enough time’
• ‘I need more time’
• ‘There just aren’t enough hours in the day’

This is failure mode thinking.  A now failed business owner once said to me ‘I love being a business owner – I get to work any 80 hours a week I want.’

He was too busy to do what successful people do.

Failure mode 2

• ‘I know’

He already knew better.  He shut down any suggestions with an ‘I know’ and would explain how he was already doing that.  The busy-busy-ness in his head was so intense he really couldn’t listen.  Instead he would explain and defend what he was already doing – even though it was not succeeding.

I know is another way of saying ‘shut up.’  ‘I know’ stops you from actually listening.  Big ‘I know-ers’ keep themselves from taking the time to learn what they need to learn in order to succeed.

Failure mode 3

• ‘I should.’

A successful Australian told me they have a term for folks who ‘should’ all over themselves.  They call them ‘gonna’s', someone who is always ‘gonna’ do something, they already ‘know’ to do, if they had time.

So I’m about to tell you what successful people do differently than the prior three failure modes.  If, in response, you have any of these thoughts;

• I don’t have time
• I know
• I should

then maybe you should stop and think about doing something differently.

Failure mode 4

• ‘I’m not comfortable’
• ‘I’m afraid of…’
• ‘I just can’t…’
• ‘I  just don’t want to…’
• ‘I can’t see myself there doing that…’
• ‘I would be embarrassed…’
• ‘I wouldn’t fit in…’

We employ avoidance behaviors to protect ourselves.  For a bunch of psychological reasons I won’t go into here, we consciously and unconsciously avoid putting ourselves into the very circumstances that would help us most.

The four failure modes summed up:

I don’t have time to do what I know I should do.  I’m uncomfortable just thinking about it so I don’t listen and avoid thinking about it.  Then I go back to doing what I’ve been doing and accepting the results I’ve been getting.

Success mode 1

The most successful 3 or 4 percent of the population think differently than most of us.  Success mode first comes from changing your thinking habits.  This doesn’t happen instantly.  You have to use your conscious mind to retrain your sub-conscious mind (where habits are physical neural networks that must be rewired to sub-consciously produce different responses.)

Replace the thought ‘I don’t have time’ with

• ‘I have all the time I need.’

You have the exact same 24 hours a day that the most successful people in the world have.  They aren’t getting greater results because they have a 36 hour day.  They know they have all the time they need and have all the time they are ever going to get – 24 hours each day.  You can’t manage time you can only manage how you use it.  More on this below.

Success mode 2

Replace the thought/verbal response ‘I know’ with ‘Isn’t that interesting.’  Knowledge is the enemy of learning. Stop telling people to shut up and stop telling your brain to stop listening.  Successful people are present in the moment and get learning from every instant of their lives.  They are constantly giving and getting – not shutting down and numbing themselves.  There is much learn on this subject.

Success mode 3

Replace the thought/verbal response ‘I should’ with I will or I won’t.  If it is ‘I will’ then stop and put it on your schedule.  Put something on your schedule to take a next step even if it is just a baby step.  For new behaviors baby steps are best for most.  Anything else is I won’t.  Really successful people are masters of ‘I won’t’.

Success mode 4

Replace avoidance behaviors with courage and self – discipline.  Really successful people have learned that their ‘comfort zone’ is the most dangerous place on earth.  If you are not growing you are dying. Being in your comfort zone is dying.  It might be more comfortable to sit on your couch and watch tv than working out or getting something done.  It is certainly easier.  Which one produces better health?  Which one leads to brain and body death?

Jim Rohn said you have two choices – the pain of self-discipline or the pain of regret.  One of them is far far worse. Get out of your comfort zone and stay out of it.

Success mode summary.

I will take the time to learn and do what successful people do even if it scares me, makes me uncomfortable or is hard for me to do.

I can help you with a baby step in this direction.  Never underestimate the power of a baby step in a new direction.  The significance is in the change of direction not the size of the first step.  Any step in a new direction is powerful in itself.

Really successful people choose how to invest their time by being clear on their priorities.  They get clear on their priorities by setting goals and making plans.  Are you uncomfortable with this?  Most people are uncomfortable.  Some have tried and since it didn’t work the first time – have given up.  Unrealistic expectations are another avoidance behavior.  We’re you an expert driver the first time you got behind the wheel?  Did it take a few drives before you were comfortable?  How many before you were an expert who could talk and drive at the same time?

I’ll teach you a thorough and repeatable process for setting goals and making plans.  You have to be willing to get out of your comfort zone and learn it.  No one can do your learning for you and no one can do your exercise for you. You won’t do it perfectly the first time.  You may be very uncomfortable at first.  Get over it.

If you are ready to stop not having enough time, to stop ‘I know-ing’ yourself into numbness, to stop scolding yourself with ‘I should’s’ and to stop avoiding growing because its uncomfortable then click on the link below and book yourself into a great baby step toward a new future.

If you already have goals and plans then I know you’ll click on the link because you are always hungry to learn how to do things better and we just might a have process that will help you improve yours.  While you’re at it – get of few of your friends who need to get started and out of avoidance to come along with you.

Good luck!

Here’s the link, click here to start a wonderful new path and become uncommon.

Your unreasonable friend,

Dennis

denniswillis@actioncoach.com

December 21, 2011

copyright@DennisWillis 2011,2012 Business Coach Ohio

The “things are so bad…” conversation. Yesterday, this well educated and scarily smart business owner leaned closer over the table and whispered, “I think the real unemployment rate in Cleveland is probably over twenty percent.”  He went on to real off a bunch of facts and brutal realities about our area.  He capped it off with, of course, “Lebron really hurt this area.”

Boomtown. I was born in Cleveland and grew up in Elyria.  My father owned a construction company.  He moved us to Elyria in the early 60’s because it was booming.  For a year or two Elyria was the fastest growing city in the entire country.  Northeast Ohio was booming.  People were moving here from everywhere. 

We were at the top then.  We were making cars and steel and tires and machine parts and a whole bunch of other stuff and selling it everywhere.  Cash was being pumped into our region and people were following it.  Houses and schools and malls were being built and jobs were plentiful. 

Are we at the bottom now?  There were some down times between then and now.  The original oil crisis had lines at gas stations we’ve never seen again.  The original financial crisis had the savings and loan collapse and our government bail out plastered on the front pages.  Some say it is worse now.  Some think we are heading for a double dip. 

Boom then bust then?  So what did I say that stopped my friend and changed the nature of the conversation.  “Things come in cycles don’t they?”, I asked.  “You are saying we are at the bottom of the cycle right?  Well, what comes next?”  He brightened up a bit and asked, “So you’re saying we’ve got nowhere to go but up?”

We are in this together.  Belief is one thing action is another.  He sent me an email later on asking me for ideas on how we can help each other make money.  Now we’re talking! 

Action.  Don’t get your hopes up – get into action.  Positive attitude and positive thinking are important.  Positive action is necessary.  What are you willing to do?  Jim Rohn said, “Don’t wish it were easier, wish you were better.”  Ghandi said “be the change you want to see in the world.”  How can we be better – each of us has to work on ourselves – then we all become better.

Opportunity.  Here is just one little idea.  Positive cash flow is needed in our area.  Let’s focus on just that.  Companies that sell products and services outside Northeast Ohio bring cash into Northeast Ohio.  Let’s identify these companies and find them some referrals.  If you own such a company tell us about yourself so the rest of us can help you find business.  I just now created a Facebook page for this purpose.  It is http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Refer-NEO/122978311079105?filter=1. Click now  and type in a sentence and a link to your website.  Take just this little action.  Let’s see what we can do together.

Better.  No matter how good we are – we can always be better.  I’m part of an organization dedicated to that belief.  What we’re learning from doing that with 10,000 business every week is available to you too.  Contact me (denniswillis@actioncoach.com).  Here is a link to a few videos of business owners of various size businesses who are succeeding at getting better results http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=actioncoach+testimonial&aq=0.

copyright@DennisWillis 2011,2012 Business Coach Ohio

1. Be ruthless with your time.
2. Be intolerant of your fears and weaknesses.
3. Be demanding of yourself.

Business (and maybe, life) is about the great feeling of accomplishment, not the temporary good feelings you get from self indulgence. One cannot be taken away, the other leaves as quickly as it arrived.  How much of your enjoyment is from things that can never be taken from you?

Money can be frittered away or it can be invested.  The same is true for you. A great investment grows daily.  Are you growing daily?  How are you better today than yesterday?

Sometimes I become completely fed up with myself. I discover I’ve just spent time being distracted or avoiding something I could have been doing that gets me closer to what I want to have.  Minutes, even hours, gone from life forever.  I’ve learned not to spend time dwelling on past poor decisions.  That’s wasting time over wasting time.

I’ve learned I have to invest time in staying focused. I review my goals, I plan my time.  I work on improving my moment to moment awareness – so I realize more quickly when I am off track or distracted.  I work on improving my thinking so I am not uselessly reworking the past.  I cut the anchor by taking my learnings and moving on.

It’s what you say to yourself, about yourself, when you are by yourself that hits home. Our brains are capable of great change.  We’ve all heard about people sustaining great brain damage and using a different part of their brain to relearn necessary skills – talking, for example.  You don’t need trauma to change, committment works as well.  Part of learning to be who you desire to be is telling yourself who you are in the process of becoming.

This is what I have learned to say to myself, about myself, when I am by myself. They are part of my twice daily recitation of my “I am” statements.  Yes, I have learned to be careful and deliberate about what I say to myself.  You should too.  If you can’t say them in the present tense and beleive them from yourself then use the phrasing “I am becoming…”.

• I am ruthless with my time.
• I am intolerant of my fears and weaknesses.
• I am demanding of my best effort.

I do this because there are things I want to have in my life. To have what I want to have, I must be the person I want to be and do the things I need to do.  What do you want to have?  Who do you need to be to have that?  What do you need to do to have that?

The great acheivers in our history books, our newscasts and even in our sports pages all want to have acheived something. They did what they needed to do and became who they needed to become to have those achievements and the rewards that came with them.  What acheivements do you want to have accomplished?  What rewards do you want?

copyright@DennisWillis 2011,2012 Business Coach Ohio

Fear is an ancient protector of our very skin from physical threat.  An ancient savior that has become a crippling nuisance when we need, for example, to speak publicly.  Fear has become a brain cramp when we try to talk to someone we find attractive.  It’s become a liability in our professional lives preventing us from picking up a phone to call a prospect.  It is as if fear has caused the phone to weigh ten thousand pounds.

Perhaps, in our bones, we still carry the old knowing that standing out in the crowd can attract a watching predator or a that approaching a potential mate can attract a violent competitor.  Odds are pretty slim, today, that you’ll be eaten or beaten for letting your light shine bright.  Few, however, do.

To shine you must relax your grip on fear.  Simple.  Really.  I’m serious.

It is a simple thing to start running fear out of your life.  You accept the fact that you use thoughts to drive up your fear.  You become aware of when you have such thoughts.  You replace them with other thoughts.  Repeat until fear is at a useful level.

Fire yourself up instead of beating yourself up. Negative thoughts are self demolition and work hand in hand with fear.  We lead our self to self – paralysis with this one-two punch combination.  Negative thoughts leave you feeling more vulnerable to potential predators and competitors.

The good news, you deal with your own negativity the same way you deal with your own fear.  Positive, courageous thoughts grow positive and courageous lives for ourselves.  Start listening to yourself.  Start upgrading your thoughts.  Start choosing to feel joyful instead of fearful.

Start talking to yourself positively.  Stop talking to yourself negatively and fearfully.  Here’s how.

1) Planned self talk.
2) Planned self listening.
3) Planned pattern interruption.

Now, here are the details.

1) Planned self talk.

Say good things to yourself out loud at least twice a day.   Listen to yourself and repeat so that you believe them.  Come up with a list of 20 things to say.  You must start them with “I am.”
Say things like:
I am in a state of joy.
I am happy.  OR  I am in the process of becoming happy.

2) Planned self listening.

Listen to your thoughts and write down the negative and fearful ones.
Categorize them.  Below are three links to articles on categorizing negative and fearful thinking. Create challenges and/or replacements.  Suggestions on how to do this are also in the articles below.

3) Planned pattern interruption.

Catch yourself talking yourself down or scaring yourself.  Stop yourself.  Substitute your challenges or replacements and feel better.Catch yourself saying to yourself “I’m horrible at  ____________” and simply think (and say) “I have an opportunity to be better at ____________.”

A simple process.  Now you have a simple choice.  To live in fear or joy.  I hope you pick the latter and start talking yourself up.

Articles
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=empower_negativethinkingWS
http://els4kids.blogspot.com/2008/12/automatic-negative-thoughts-ants-ideas.html
http://www.byui.edu/CounselingCenter/Stress%20Management/Challenging%20Distorted%20Thinking.htm

copyright@DennisWillis 2011,2012 Business Coach Ohio